Anxiety & panic attacks

So last night and today have not been my best days and in all honesty this isn't the first post on my blog I wanted to make, but then it made me think. It made me think because I took one look at the name of my blog and realised that the whole reason I made it was because one of my flaws is not physical, it's mental. Since I was 15 I have suffered with depression and anxiety. Thankfully, now at the age of 20, my depression has decreased dramatically, pretty much to the point where it's gone. Sure, I still get days where I feel down or crappy but that's perfectly natural and that's just life. However, unfortunately I do still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and I would not wish these on even my worst enemy (and I really dislike some of my 'enemies' so that's pretty big to say.. ahem.. moving on. I'm nice I promise!!)

So, what is a panic attack like? It's hard to describe unless you have them. It feels like the end of the world. It feels like it's never going to end. It feels like you've been thrown into a dark, small, terrifying hole that you can't escape from. I will be honest, it really annoys me when people say they are having an anxiety attack when they are simply just a bit nervous. I don't mean to offend anyone and obviously some panic attacks are minor and others are severe, but unless you feel like you can't breathe, your throat feels like it's closing up, you can't stop fidgeting and moving around, you have hot and cold sweats and the shakes, then you are not having an anxiety attack. So please don't play down this mental illness as there are some people who suffer from crippling attacks that leave them unable to leave their house or even their bed from fear.

So what happened last night? My parents went away for a couple of days up north just for a bit of a break (from me, haha) and I felt fine all day. I walked a good couple of miles into the town centre and back and ran a few errands, I then came back and again, everything felt fine. However at about 9pm, I suddenly felt quite ill. I felt quite queasy and my stomach was jumping around all over the place inside of me. For the next hour I tried distracting myself and calm myself down but nothing seemed to work and I felt a full blown severe panic attack coming on, which terrified me. It had been about two months since I had my last severe panic attack which was whilst I was at University.

I didn't want to ring my parents because I didn't want to disturb their break as they deserve a good time out from me to be quite honest. I also don't know my neighbours well enough (we moved house last March) so I truly felt alone. No-one was around to tell me it was going to be okay or comfort me. My best friend was chatting to me on Facebook but as much as I love her and know she will always be there to listen, (She's amazing, go check out her blog at http://sugarplumposts.blogspot.co.uk/), it isn't the same as human contact. After the usual debate in my head I go through of whether or not to call an ambulance, (I always decide not to as it's not a life or death emergency, as no-one will die from a panic attack and someone else would need that ambulance so much more) I decided to pick up the phone and call Samaritans instead. I have used this service before and every time, they have been so helpful. I really would advise anyone who just feels they need someone to talk to, to pick up the phone and just call them on 08457 90 90 90 or if you live in ROI, call 116 123. They are open to call 24/7 so it truly is an amazing organisation and I consider them as superheroes and each volunteer who answers those phones deserve an award and recognition.

So as I'm writing this, I'm still feeling slightly on edge and anxious because I am just worried it's going to happen again tonight but we shall see...

Thanks for taking the time to read my first blog post and I can only apologise that it isn't the jolliest of posts but at least you all now know my ultimate flaw!

Keep safe and take care of yourselves!

The Flawed Blonde. xoxo